God Is in Control

God is in control.  That’s something we all know in our head.  But in our heart and actions, it’s not always so easy.  It’s one thing to say that God is in control of my life, but it’s often a totally different story to completely turn my life over to Him.  Oh sure, I’ll give him this little part or that little part.  But I want to be in charge of the most important things. 

Jim and I had our family all planned out.  We were out of debt except for a mortgage.  We knew that we could live on Jim’s salary even if it was a struggle.  And it was time to get pregnant.  In other words, we were in control.

I quit working and we had Justin, our first baby.  Everything was going just as we planned.  Then came the recession of the early 90s.  Work at Jim’s job was getting slower and slower.  But there was no doubt in either of our minds that we didn’t want to stop at just one child.  So, even though Jim was barely working, we decided to get pregnant again.  I knew in my head that God could take care of finances and He would provide our needs even with one more baby.  So, we went ahead and had Jessikah - baby #2.  

And, God did take care of us.  Over the next couple of years, Jim lost his job, we lost our house to foreclosure and we filed for bankruptcy, but God always provided our needs.  So, after Jim found a job, I thought I’d really go out on a limb and ask Jim, not God, for just one more baby.  Jim agreed, but this time with the qualification that he didn’t have to change diapers.  (He thinks that deal still stands, even though I tell him that was only for baby #3.)  This time I didn’t get pregnant quite so easily.  It took 5 months and each month I was frustrated and sad when I found I wasn’t pregnant.  But I did finally get pregnant and with that pregnancy, received many nasty comments about being pregnant again.  After all, I had a boy and a girl, what more did I want?

When Rebekah was about 2 ½ years old, Jim started talking about getting a vasectomy.  Although I would happily have had more kids, I was fine with the idea.  So he went ahead and had a consultation and made an appointment for the surgery.  An hour before his appointment he said he wasn’t sure and I told him that this was something he really needed to be 100% sure about.  So he cancelled his appointment.  When I asked him what if we got pregnant, he said “If we get pregnant, we get pregnant.”  I think this was our first tiny step in turning our family planning over to God.

And, the next month I found out I was pregnant.  I cried for an hour when I saw that pink line.  I think I was mostly worried about the stress that another baby would place on Jim, but he seemed to be over it by then.  So, we happily had Hannah, baby #4. 

If any of our children were going to deter us from having more, Hannah would be the one!  She was strong willed and exhausting.  But by then we were starting to discuss the idea of putting God in charge of our family. 

Three years after Hannah was born, along came Lucas – our smiling ray of sunshine.  After he was born, we prayerfully came to the decision that we would leave God in charge of our family.  After all, who could plan our family better than Him?  Of all the things in this world, children are the ones that have eternal value.  Nothing is more important to our Father than His children. 

When Lucas was a little over a year old, we found out we were pregnant with number 6.  We were so excited.  With our planning, babies never came this close together (These would be almost exactly 2 years apart.)  At 10 weeks, we had a scare when I started bleeding slightly.  But the bleeding soon stopped.  However, 2 weeks later I started bleeding again and this time it didn’t stop.  At first I was in shock.  How could I be miscarrying?  I had sailed through 5 pregnancies without any problems and even more importantly in my mind; we had turned our fertility over to God!  I was forgetting that this meant I was no longer in charge.

But, since God saw fit that this baby wouldn't live, I prayed for 3 things.  One was
that the miscarriage wouldn't be too painful, physically.  Two was that I
would be able to see the baby.  Three was that I wouldn't need any medical
intervention other than the guidance of my wonderful midwife.  I had had 5 babies at home and I certainly didn’t want to go to the hospital for this one. 

And God, in His mercy, answered each one of those prayers.  I had only minor cramping.  I delivered what appeared to be a perfectly formed baby complete with umbilical cord and placenta.  He was only about 1 ½ inches long.  We got a chance to hold him.  The kids also got to see this tiny little miracle of life.  And as I struggled through the lonely grief of losing my baby I realized that letting God plan our family wasn’t always as simple as accepting babies when they come.  It also includes accepting when we don’t get to keep those babies.

Three months later, we were pregnant with Baby #6, Elijah.  And once again God saw (and continues to see) me through the complete exhaustion of raising a strong willed child.  And, for now, he is a great source of entertainment for all of us.

Less than two years after Elijah’s birth, I was pregnant once again.  But sadly, we lost that baby, too.  I miscarried at 6 weeks.  As I mourned this baby I was really questioning this whole “God planning the family” idea.  But I knew in my heart that God has everything under control. 

Three months later I was pregnant again.  And just over a year ago, we were blessed with Arianah – baby 7 of 9.  What a sweet blessing she is.  The other kids still fight over playing with her.  And even Justin, our 18 year old, who acted very disappointed at the prospect of yet another sibling, loves that baby sister and loves that she loves him.

So, are we done?  I don’t know.  At my age, I might have to accept that I won’t be having any more babies.  And I leave that entirely in God’s hands.