Changing Seasons

I’m seeing the realities of a new season in life – new seasons, really, because seasons are constantly changing. But, the reality right now is, my baby is 6, and, my oldest just earned his Bachelor’s degree. One thing about having a big family is that my kids cover a large span on the developmental spectrum of early childhood to young adulthood. 

  

Some seasons seem longer than others. Sometimes we feel like certain seasons will never end.  I spent many years in the newborn and baby season. That season where just when you’re ready to walk out the door, the baby poops, where someone needs your help to get dressed, to find their shoes, to take a bath, to have a snack, to wipe their nose, to open a door, to buckle their car seat, to go potty, to get a drink of water, to wipe their little rear end.  You never get a good night’s sleep – for years on end. You are always being touched and climbed on. Your body isn’t your own. You barely find time to take a shower. You don’t get to go to the bathroom by yourself. Even now, I only sometimes get to go to the bathroom by myself and I rarely get to shower uninterrupted. But, it's all worth it.

My season of having a baby did come to an end, and I actually sold my stroller! I had a stroller for 22 years! I mean, not the same stroller, but a stroller. That was a little weird for me. It actually sat in the garage for quite some time before I sold it. I couldn't bring myself to do it. It came in handy on day trips to a zoo or amusement park. But, I found it very freeing the first time we went to an amusement park without a stroller. We put what we needed in a backpack and got around very easily.

Baby season is over in our house. Even toddler and preschooler season is over. I’m disappointed with that and OK with it, all at the same time. I now have 6 self-sufficient (to one degree or another) kids at home and one who has been on his own for several years.  I love seeing them grow up and become responsible adults. I love seeing their different personalities and strengths.

As the seasons change, some things are easier and some things are harder. It’s all just different. Before I know it, my kids will be married and out on their own. (And, I’ll have grandkids!  Woohoo!) It doesn't make me sad that they’ll be moving on. I look at my adult kids and feel like they've grown up into awesome adults – adults I’d like to hang out with, adults that will make society a better place. My goal is to work myself out of a job as my kids become adults and embark on their own life. I see my relationship with my two oldest daughters transitioning from mom to friend. I will always be their mom, but they’re adults, and I want to be their friend - when they live in my house and when they move out. Before I know it, they will all be adults ready to conquer the world.

  

I still have years of little ones, and not-so-little ones filling my house with laughter and fighting and silliness and joy and arguing and … you get the picture. I do my best to enjoy the good times. We never know how long we have with anyone in this world, so I strive to make the most of the relationships I have. That’s what’s important. Relationship. Relationship with our Father and our Savior. Relationship with our Family. Relationship with our Friends. That’s what makes life worth living.

Musings of a MOMYS

I've been a part of the MOMYS (Mothers of Many Young Siblings) email list for many years now. Having a large family isn't easy in this society and it's not popular. Quite often when a MOMYS vents about how tired she is or how overwhelmed she is, all she gets is a reminder that she chose to have a large family and she should deal with it, but, that doesn't make her any less tired or overwhelmed. And, being tired or overwhelmed doesn't mean she loved her family any less or wishes she could change it . It's just a reality of mothering a big family.Sometimes all she needs is a listening ear or a tip on how to handle the day to day life of a large household.  The support I have received form this group over the years has been my lifeline so many times. A new MOMYS cookbook is being published and I was asked to contribute a little something the cookbook. Here is what I wrote:

Children teach us so much. When I had my first child, I began to better understand how incredibly much God loves me. I know He loves me infinitely more than I love my kids. But, to love my own child is a love I can’t express. It must be experienced to be understood.

I’ve been a mommy for a long time - twenty-three years, actually. I’ve been pregnant for 6 years of my life. I’ve nursed babies for 16 years of my life. I’ve homeschooled for 19 years and I have 12 to go. I’ve spent over 100 hours in labor and rejoiced as I brought each child into the world. I’ve kissed boo boos, held sick kids through the night, danced in the rain, searched frantically for a pacifier, laughed, cried, spent time in urgent care, celebrated over 100 birthdays, sniffed newborns, played hide and seek with a little person in plain sight, been thrown up on, pushed kids on swings, taught kids to read, felt like a failure, watched their face light up when they really understand 1s, 10s and 100s, graduated young adults from high school, responded innumerable times to “Mommy, watch me!”, been hugged by chubby toddler arms, wondered if I’m teaching them enough, walked and bounced countless hours trying to make baby happy, rejoiced with a child when they accomplished something new, forgotten to pack diapers in the diaper bag, leaked breastmilk all over my shirt for months on end, enjoyed a newborn cry, endured a newborn cry, delighted in baby laughter, taught kids not to whine, peed with an audience, showered with an audience, tickled tiny knees, played one too many rounds of Candyland, had my lap filled with kids of all ages and sizes, been discouraged, been encouraged, been drained and been rejuvenated, all because I am filled with an inexplicable love for these people who started out doing nothing more than eating, sleeping, crying and pooping and are in the process of growing up - each into a unique creation, each one so different and each one so awesome.

All those experiences and so much more, the good and the bad, have taught me numerous lessons and made me the person I am today. Being a mommy is hard work. It requires a constant giving of yourself. I’ve found that I wished I balanced just a little bit more of taking care of me, mostly because I’m overweight and out of shape…and I wish I’d spent a few more hours scrapbooking. And, I think a little more hubby and me time would have been good. But, that’s about it. I don’t wish I’d spent more time mopping the floor or drilling math facts or diagramming sentences or going shopping or going out with my friends or dusting the furniture or running the kids to endless activities. I do wish I’d spent more time enjoying the moment, because, those moments are fleeting.

I am thankful for all the minutes, hours, days and weeks I’ve had with these children. And, I am thankful for the support and sacrifice of my husband, Jim. He works hard to support us so I can stay home with the kids and we can have the freedom to homeschool. Mostly, I am thankful that God blessed me with the knowledge of Him and has allowed me to share His eternal values with my family, my heritage.

Missi – MOMYS to 7, plus 5 bonus kids

How Did I Manage Quiet Time in the Chaos of Small Children?

Sometimes I'm not even sure of the answer to that question. It's all kind of a blur. I read this blog post the other day and it really had me thinking.  She states the realities of mothering a newborn so well. I thought about how it’s not just newborns, It also applies to toddlers and preschoolers. Mothering young children is a tough job, yet, it’s also full of rewards.

As you’re going through it, you’re exhausted. Sometimes you’re tired beyond belief and you feel like you’re never going to get enough sleep again for as long as you live.  Sometimes, the thought of changing one more diaper is enough to push you over the edge. The thought of refereeing one more round of “she touched me” is enough to make you insane. Being on call 24/7 is overwhelming and exhausting. Even so, the joy of the little things they say or those chubby arms wrapped around your neck is all the payment you need.

  

 When you’re in the trenches it feels like you’ll never make it through. It’s only a season, but it’s a long season – longer for some, than for others. For me, it was about 20 years. Sure, I longed to go places and yearned to do things that just weren’t feasible with little ones in tow. Sometimes I was desperate for a moment to myself, but that wasn’t feasible, either. I mean, really, I’m just now getting to the point where I can go potty by myself; although, showering without interruption is still a few years off, it seems.

 

One thing that is difficult to figure out is how to have quiet time with God when there are little ones running you ragged. Having a half hour or more of quiet time with God is great, but, as babies came along, I started to wonder how on earth I would accomplish that. I know there are moms that wake up early to get that quiet time in. But, with my kids, it seems like no matter what time I woke up, someone woke up with me. I usually tried to stay up late, but often I was too exhausted after the little ones went to bed.

This was compounded by the fact that I could rarely listen to a sermon or teaching of any kind because I had little people to run after and mommy duties to take care of, whether I was at home or sitting in the wiggle room at congregation. This was my season for noise and interruptions, not for sitting and spending long hours studying the Bible. But, I also realized that God knows exactly what it’s like to take care of a baby. He is the one who created them, after all. So, He wasn’t surprised that I found it difficult to devote long periods of time to Him.

There were days that I wished to have hours for quiet time. The thought of sitting and listening to a sermon was just a dream. And, I’m sure there are many days that I complained to my friends that my husband didn’t cover my motherly duties enough. But, when it comes down to it, that’s not his job. If I have an infant or toddler, they basically are attached to me wherever I go. Daddy spent time with them and gave me a break now and then, but, the everyday responsibilities belonged to me. I didn’t expect him to take care of the baby after he came home from a long day’s work. I never thought he should be caring for baby while I did in-depth Bible study or listened to a sermon. It is better that he should be listening and learning and growing so he can lead the family.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean Dad’s should be hands off, by any means. It’s great when Daddy gives Mommy a much needed break. But, generally speaking, Mommy duties are mine. God equipped me to take care of baby - simple as that. This was not my season to dig deeper into scripture on a daily basis. It wasn’t my season to let Daddy hold the baby while I listened to a teaching or sat in on a sermon. God instituted the family. He made the man head over his wife. The husband is the spiritual leader. God put this in place so the man can lead his wife and children. I think God had it figured out pretty well by not putting the spiritual leader of the family in charge of baby duties. 

This is not to say I shouldn’t have my own quiet time. But, it looked different when I had a little one (or little ones). I prayed throughout the day whenever a prayer need popped into my head. I could certainly find a spare minute or 2 or 3 to talk to Him. Talking to him was often interrupted by littles, but the same was true of any conversation.  At night, when I woke up to nurse baby, I would talk with my Abba. When they got older, they could sit in on my prayer time and maybe add a prayer

of their own.

I could devote 5 minutes at a time to read a Bible passage. If the Bible was out and open, it was that much easier. And, usually in the evening, after they were all in bed, I spent some time studying a topic of interest or working on my Bible study lesson. Realistically, my lesson wasn’t always done when I went to Bible study, but it was done sometimes. And, if I prioritized properly, I managed to spend quality time with God, at least in small bits.

For me, that seemingly endless season is winding down. My baby is 6, and a mature 6, at that. She is mostly self-reliant. As I transition out of mothering little ones, my time with God changes, as well. It’s such a blessing that He knows our life and understands our limitations. And, He equips us to do what He has given us to do.

Be Careful Where You Get Your Advice

I was doing Elijah's reading lesson with him the other day.  He mentioned that he had gum in his hair and showed me the gum behind his ear.

I told him we would get it out in a little bit and I continued with our lesson. But, as he was reading, my mind started mulling over the large clump of gum he had behind his ear. And, I asked him, "were you storing your gum behind your ear like Violet Beauregarde?"  Sure enough, that was his plan.  As Violet says, in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, "Well, I'm a gum chewer, normally. But when I heard about these ticket things of Wonka's, I laid off the gum and switched to candy bars, instead. Now, of course, I'm right back on gum. I chew it all day, except at mealtimes when I stick it behind my ear."

It wasn't a very good plan.  And, he didn't enjoy the process of me getting the gum out of his hair.  But, I sure found the whole thing entertaining. :)

Seasons of Life

I’m entering a new season in life.  I took a shower by myself today with no interruptions.  Well, actually, that’s not true.  I had one kid come in and ask me a question while I was showering.  That’s pretty impressive, actually.  I’m used to answering several questions and refereeing several fights while I’m in the shower.  It’s just part of being a mom.  But, the interruptions are becoming fewer and farther between.  Apparently, it goes along with the kids growing up. 

My oldest is out of the house. My youngest is 3 and rather independent.  And, for the first time in 21 years, I have a 3 year old and no baby. So, I was thinking about the things I can do now that the kids are growing up.  I can get an hour-long workout in the garage without complete chaos breaking loose in the house.  I can run to the store by myself without someone crying at the door, “Mommy, don’t go!”  I can get an evening of quiet time at The Coffee Bean.  I can go out to lunch with my husband or a friend with no phone calls.  I can even stay upstairs when I wake up in the morning and start my day with prayer and Bible study. I’m learning to enjoy the simple pleasures of my season.

Fatherhood

I'll tell you, there are many days that I am in awe of how much God has blessed me when He gave me my husband. Today I will focus on what a great Dad he is. (Yes, I know yesterday was Father's Day, but I haven't had a quiet moment to write until today.)

When we got married, I never dreamed that we would actually be blessed with so many children. We knew we would have children, but I honestly thought 3 would probably be our limit. How blessed we are that, God has changed our hearts and gifted us with 7 children.

It takes an incredible man to be a good father to 7 children. And, through the years, God has grown Jim to be that wonderful father. First and foremost, he is a man of God. He strives to be obedient to our Creator and is a new Creation because of his openness to God. When a man is open to being molded by our Creator, he can't help but be a constantly better man. He is the leader of our home, leading us along the narrow path.

As a leader, he works very hard to support our family. And, trust me, to support a family of 9 in Southern California on a single income is no easy feat. But, with God's blessings, Jim has provided us a plentiful lifestyle. Now, with the recession, we are cutting back, like many others. And Jim is still out there working hard to make ends meet.

And, after working hard all day, he has plenty of projects around the home, too. He has built beds for our raised bed garden. He is remodeling our laundry room. He fixes all the things that break around here. We very rarely have to call a repair man. He always provides me the best of the tools I need to take care of my responsibilities.

And he loves those kids. He was right there at home with me as I delivered each one of them. Several of them he has "caught" as I delivered them. Other than diapers, he is great with the kids and has grown as a Daddy over the years. He loves to be entertained by the little ones and spend time with the big ones. He blesses me to stay home with and homeschool our children. He and I are the ones that are actually raising our children, instead of having values instilled in them by someone else for hours a day.

Since getting words out of teens is like pulling teeth, I thought I would just ask the younger set what they like about Daddy. And here is what I got:

He teaches us about flames. He teaches us stuff about Israel. He builds stuff for us like playhouses and he works really hard so we have enough money to buy lots of food. We don't use the special money to get little toys for us, we use it for food, cuz food is more important than toys. He teaches us what's right and wrong. He teaches us about God. He lets us get reservations at Jalama (camping). He lets us stay up late to have smarshmallows while we're camping. He lets us swim to the part with sand at the River. He trusts us with Uncle Taco at Shell island.

I thank God for blessing me with a wonderful man.

Dining Out With the Family

We went out to dinner tonight.  We haven't been dining out very much lately, since we have been tightening our belts like most of the nation.  That means the kids are out of practice, and you never can be entirely sure how the little ones will act.  

We went to a restaurant we have gone to several times over the years.  Since we were a party of 10 (my mom was with us), they showed us to the largest table in the restaurant where they often seat us.  It is located in a smaller room which is often empty except for us.  

Tonight, however, there was a couple eating their dinner when we got there.  We were enjoying our dinner out and when the couple behind us finally got up to leave, they stopped at our table and raved about what a wonderful family we are.  They enjoyed that we prayed for our meal together (Justin joked that they noticed the prayer because that was the only moment we were relatively quiet.) and commented repeatedly about how well behaved the kids were and how they enjoyed our interaction.  

The man said that when we walked in, he told his wife "Hurry up and eat!", thinking about how miserable it was going to be sharing the room with this family and all it's children.  But apparently they found that we weren't as bad as we first appeared. :) They kept saying how great the kids were and that it takes great parents to make great kids.

It's always nice to hear good things when you're swimming upstream.  After all, having seven kids isn't typical nowadays.  It's nice to hear that our hard work is paying off and that we are glorifying God as we go about our daily lives.  I need to remember to praise other families I see (large or small) when their kids are well behaved in public situations.  I know I like it when others do that for me.

Priorities

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you haven't gotten anything done - one of those days where a little one is very needy?  Today is one of those days.  I have to keep in mind that I am doing my job.  My job today is holding a baby with 102 degree fever who really wants her Mommy.  That's first on my to-do list - top priority.  And second on my list is coaching the other kids from the sidelines.  That's one of the blessings of being home with my kids.  She just alternates between nursing and sleeping and I do my job for today. Pretty much everything else will be wiped off my list - or at least postponed until another day.  It's kind of like a traditional job when some sudden and urgent task arises and everything else gets pushed to the sidelines.

I remember the days when I would feel guilty about sitting here all day.  I would feel guilty that my to-do list wasn't being accomplished.  And, honestly, even now, there is an niggling thought in the back of my mind that I could be doing something else if I could just lay her down or pass her off.  But today I know I'm doing what is most important.  Everything else can wait.

And, thankfully, I have bigger kids that will help me keep everything (just barely) under control. They are happy to help when I ask.  And, when Rebekah is bored, she makes cookies.  What could be better than that?

God Is in Control

God is in control.  That’s something we all know in our head.  But in our heart and actions, it’s not always so easy.  It’s one thing to say that God is in control of my life, but it’s often a totally different story to completely turn my life over to Him.  Oh sure, I’ll give him this little part or that little part.  But I want to be in charge of the most important things. 

Jim and I had our family all planned out.  We were out of debt except for a mortgage.  We knew that we could live on Jim’s salary even if it was a struggle.  And it was time to get pregnant.  In other words, we were in control.

I quit working and we had Justin, our first baby.  Everything was going just as we planned.  Then came the recession of the early 90s.  Work at Jim’s job was getting slower and slower.  But there was no doubt in either of our minds that we didn’t want to stop at just one child.  So, even though Jim was barely working, we decided to get pregnant again.  I knew in my head that God could take care of finances and He would provide our needs even with one more baby.  So, we went ahead and had Jessikah - baby #2.  

And, God did take care of us.  Over the next couple of years, Jim lost his job, we lost our house to foreclosure and we filed for bankruptcy, but God always provided our needs.  So, after Jim found a job, I thought I’d really go out on a limb and ask Jim, not God, for just one more baby.  Jim agreed, but this time with the qualification that he didn’t have to change diapers.  (He thinks that deal still stands, even though I tell him that was only for baby #3.)  This time I didn’t get pregnant quite so easily.  It took 5 months and each month I was frustrated and sad when I found I wasn’t pregnant.  But I did finally get pregnant and with that pregnancy, received many nasty comments about being pregnant again.  After all, I had a boy and a girl, what more did I want?

When Rebekah was about 2 ½ years old, Jim started talking about getting a vasectomy.  Although I would happily have had more kids, I was fine with the idea.  So he went ahead and had a consultation and made an appointment for the surgery.  An hour before his appointment he said he wasn’t sure and I told him that this was something he really needed to be 100% sure about.  So he cancelled his appointment.  When I asked him what if we got pregnant, he said “If we get pregnant, we get pregnant.”  I think this was our first tiny step in turning our family planning over to God.

And, the next month I found out I was pregnant.  I cried for an hour when I saw that pink line.  I think I was mostly worried about the stress that another baby would place on Jim, but he seemed to be over it by then.  So, we happily had Hannah, baby #4. 

If any of our children were going to deter us from having more, Hannah would be the one!  She was strong willed and exhausting.  But by then we were starting to discuss the idea of putting God in charge of our family. 

Three years after Hannah was born, along came Lucas – our smiling ray of sunshine.  After he was born, we prayerfully came to the decision that we would leave God in charge of our family.  After all, who could plan our family better than Him?  Of all the things in this world, children are the ones that have eternal value.  Nothing is more important to our Father than His children. 

When Lucas was a little over a year old, we found out we were pregnant with number 6.  We were so excited.  With our planning, babies never came this close together (These would be almost exactly 2 years apart.)  At 10 weeks, we had a scare when I started bleeding slightly.  But the bleeding soon stopped.  However, 2 weeks later I started bleeding again and this time it didn’t stop.  At first I was in shock.  How could I be miscarrying?  I had sailed through 5 pregnancies without any problems and even more importantly in my mind; we had turned our fertility over to God!  I was forgetting that this meant I was no longer in charge.

But, since God saw fit that this baby wouldn't live, I prayed for 3 things.  One was
that the miscarriage wouldn't be too painful, physically.  Two was that I
would be able to see the baby.  Three was that I wouldn't need any medical
intervention other than the guidance of my wonderful midwife.  I had had 5 babies at home and I certainly didn’t want to go to the hospital for this one. 

And God, in His mercy, answered each one of those prayers.  I had only minor cramping.  I delivered what appeared to be a perfectly formed baby complete with umbilical cord and placenta.  He was only about 1 ½ inches long.  We got a chance to hold him.  The kids also got to see this tiny little miracle of life.  And as I struggled through the lonely grief of losing my baby I realized that letting God plan our family wasn’t always as simple as accepting babies when they come.  It also includes accepting when we don’t get to keep those babies.

Three months later, we were pregnant with Baby #6, Elijah.  And once again God saw (and continues to see) me through the complete exhaustion of raising a strong willed child.  And, for now, he is a great source of entertainment for all of us.

Less than two years after Elijah’s birth, I was pregnant once again.  But sadly, we lost that baby, too.  I miscarried at 6 weeks.  As I mourned this baby I was really questioning this whole “God planning the family” idea.  But I knew in my heart that God has everything under control. 

Three months later I was pregnant again.  And just over a year ago, we were blessed with Arianah – baby 7 of 9.  What a sweet blessing she is.  The other kids still fight over playing with her.  And even Justin, our 18 year old, who acted very disappointed at the prospect of yet another sibling, loves that baby sister and loves that she loves him.

So, are we done?  I don’t know.  At my age, I might have to accept that I won’t be having any more babies.  And I leave that entirely in God’s hands.  

Strong Willed Child

My musings for the day.  When my firstborn was a preschooler, I was under the very mistaken impression that I had a strong willed child.  I guess it's just because it's hard being a mom - especially a first time mom.  So, I thought I had it hard.  I did start to realize, however, that he wasn't really strong willed.  He just had a mind of his own.

Now, when my fourth child (who shall remain nameless, but her name is spelled H-A-N-N-A-H) was born, I found out what a strong willed child really is.  She defied me over and over again, even as a baby.  I could go on and on about her strong willed tendencies, but that is not the point of today's musings.  Let's just say discipline was never-ending and thoroughly exhausting.  But I knew I had to be consistent because that is the number one key to discipline.  For years she completely exhausted me.  Then, I remember, at about age 3 1/2 I realized that our discipline was paying off.  I could actually turn my back on her, or (gasp!) let someone else watch her without thinking she was gouing to destroy the world.  I could actually see how her strong willed tendencies could be personality strengths if used in the right way.  (And I see that even more today.)

Fast forward to child #6 (who shall also remain nameless, but his name is spelled E-L-I-J-A-H).   God blessed me with another strong willed child.  Whew!  God must have a lot of faith in me. Either that or He knows I have to rely on him more when I have a strong willed child.  But this cute little guy is pretty much a repeat of Hannah, although very slightly less extreme.  One of the things I regularly tell him is, "You are not in charge."  And very slowly he is understanding that concept.  

But see, this is what brought up these musings in the first place.  He is 3 1/2.  And I finally feel like I can have fun with and enjoy him as much or more than I discipline him.  3 1/2 years of consistent (well, mostly consistent) discipline and follow-through have finally paid off.  I sent him off fishing with Uncle Taco, Hannah and Lucas and I don't have to worry that he will be (very) defiant or fall off the end of the pier.  

So, I'm figuring that's the formula.  For a strong willed child, 3 1/2 years of consistent discipline and follow through and then I can finally take a deep breath and enjoy the fruit of my labor.  Of course, now that I've put that in writing, God will probably send me another blessing to blow that formula out of the water!