Emotional Roller Coaster

I love roller coasters. I always have enjoyed the thrill of the ride. However, I do not like emotional roller coasters. It's been quite a week and it's only Tuesday. I started with the happiness of being pregnant and feeling great - really starting to look forward to a sweet baby to hold.

Then, Sunday, I had a friend with preeclampsia who had to deliver her baby at 31 weeks. This sweet lady has had such a time trying to have a baby of her own - very difficult with various health issues and miscarriages. But, after over a day of waiting and praying, she did deliver her little girl and both Mommy and baby seem to be doing fine. HalleluYah!

Before that day was over, I started having signs of impending miscarriage. And, this morning, I awoke with really no doubt that a miscarriage is in progress. I think it's a tiny bit easier, since I more than halfway expected it from the beginning. But it's still heartbreaking.

I was at the place where I was perfectly content not having another baby. I have 7 children and I am 45 years old. I wasn't yearning for another baby as I have in the past. And, I know more people who have miscarried at 45 than who have carried to term at 45, so I had no desire to join that statistic.

But, I was pleasantly surprised when I got two pink lines on the pregnancy test. A little life growing inside me is a miracle that never grows old. And, as the weeks went by, I got more and more excited. I can't help but get excited at the prospect of a sweet new baby head to smell.

And yet, today, here I am resting in bed, waiting. I hate the waiting. The uncertainty of how this is actually going to play out. Even though this is my 3rd miscarriage, they still have a feeling of uncertainty about them.

I'm familiar with full term birth. I've delivered 7 of my own at home and been privileged to be present at several births besides my own. I know the stages. I know the end result. But with miscarriage, there are no stages. You're not quite sure when the baby will come or if you'll even know when it came. It's all too uncertain.

I'm not quite sure why God decided to bless us with another life for such a short time. I am thankful that He did But I am sad that I won't get to hold this little one in my arms and sniff its little head.

Eat to Live

Well, I'm up to seven weeks pregnant now. I know that's not a major feat usually, but each day that passes uneventfully makes me thankful. The thought of miscarriage is always in the back of my mind. Not just because of my two previous miscarriages, but also because of my age. I don't really worry about it, but the thought is still there.

But things are going really well. I feel great. I actually feel better than I did the last couple of pregnancies. I don't remember the pregnancies before that - too long ago I guess. LOL! I take the same supplements, so I don't think that's the reason I feel so good.

I'm thinking it's either the exercise or the Eat to Live diet, or both. I always exercised during pregnancies, but I am exercising more now than I did before.

And the Eat to Live diet had me feeling great before pregnancy. I didn't follow it stricly before I was pregnant, but I did follow it several days a week. I lost 40 pounds and I was just feeling all around good.

I don't follow it strictly right now as I don't think a vegan diet is a good idea period, but especially not when pregnnat. But I do base the beginning of my eating each day on one pound of cooked greens, one pound of raw greens, 4 servings of fruit and 1 cup of beans as a beginning. I don't limit any of the things the diet says to limit - nuts, avocadoes, etc. But I do strive to eat the minimums and then I allow myself to eat whatever suits my fancy. I don't often crave junk food, so that's not a problem. But I often eat cheese, eggs, grass fed beef and raw milk. Those are all no-nos on the ETL. I never considered them no-nos, but I don't limit them now, whereas I did limit them them before.

I feel great. I have lots of energy. I hardly ever even need a nap, which is amazing for me when I'm pregnant. I haven't gained any weight yet. I usually gain 5 pounds before I know I'm pregnant and then continue on from there. Anyway, whatever I'm doing seems to be working. I guess I better keep it up!

Thoughts on Legalism

I've been thinking lately about keeping God's laws and how often that results in getting labeled a "legalist". I don't really understand why a believer in God and His ways would be antagonistic towards me if I choose to follow the ways that our Creator has spelled out in His Word.

I am often labeled a legalist. It's just that since I believe God loves me, He created me and He knows what's best for me, I'm not looking for an excuse to not obey Him. I strive to obey Him in ALL things, to the best of my ability. The more I learn, the more I try to do what He says. I strive to be Torah observant (Gasp! That term is sure to have some pointing fingers and labeling me a legalist), but I'm not sure I do a very good job.

My obedience doesn't earn me salvation, but it certainly brings me joy.

Two Pink Lines

It's been an exciting week. Here are some excerpts from my journal for the last week:

June 28, 2010

Out of the blue in the middle of the day today, my feet started burning like they do when I’m pregnant. I thought that was really odd. I wasn't late, but I took a pregnancy test, anyway. At first there was no second pink line, and I didn't think anything of it. But, as I waited longer, I thought maybe there was possibly the faintest possible, maybe almost imaginary pink line. This was the middle of the day when I wasn’t even late and I was doing a watermelon juice fast, so a negative response would not have been the least bit surprising.

So, not only was I not “sure”, but I had no one to tell. Jim left for Israel yesterday and the big girls left for camp yesterday L

Quite honestly, I was thinking I was done having babies. After all, I am 45 years old and this is the longest spacing (except for once back when we really tried to prevent pregnancy ;) between pregnancies. Being "done" didn't bother me. I was just beginning to contemplate getting rid of the baby stuff.

And, I'll admit, I’m a little apprehensive. I believe I know of more people who have miscarried at 45 than people that have carried to term at that age.

And then there’s the weight loss. I just hit the 40 pound weight loss mark. I’ve been working on that since the beginning of the year. Alas, pregnancy brings and end to weight loss for now. I am glad I lost weight before I got pregnant, though. I can continue to eat the way I have been eating, with a little adjustment for pregnancy and work out 6 days a week like I have been. That way I’ll be a step ahead in getting in shape after baby is born.

June 29, 2010

Time for test number two. This time I took it early in the morning and there was a pretty definite line. Light, but definitely there. And still, no one to tell.

June 30, 2010

I took another test. Gotta be sure, right? Absolutely a second line. And, all week, I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell Jim – just the logistics of getting the news to him in Israel. I could call, but it’s very expensive. I could wait til he get’s home, but I don’t honestly think I could wait that long. The next best option is texting him. After all, I’ve never texted him the results of a pregnancy test before J

So, I texted him a picture of the pregnancy test with the caption "two pink lines" and his response was, "See I go to serve Yahwey in Israel and the blessings come in right away. LOL" Have I mentioned I love that man? :)

July 1, 2010

The girls got home tonight, but between alternate showers and talking to friends on the phone, I didn’t get a chance to tell them.

July 3, 2010

I finally told the girls this morning. They were so happy. I thought Rebekah was going to explode! We all agreed that Justin would find out by facebook because he’s a big stinker and would not be a happy camper. So, for timing purposes, the girls had to keep it a secret for a few hours, too.

Due date March 5, 2011. Rebekah says I might as well just say mid-March. She’s so right.