Emotional Roller Coaster

I love roller coasters. I always have enjoyed the thrill of the ride. However, I do not like emotional roller coasters. It's been quite a week and it's only Tuesday. I started with the happiness of being pregnant and feeling great - really starting to look forward to a sweet baby to hold.

Then, Sunday, I had a friend with preeclampsia who had to deliver her baby at 31 weeks. This sweet lady has had such a time trying to have a baby of her own - very difficult with various health issues and miscarriages. But, after over a day of waiting and praying, she did deliver her little girl and both Mommy and baby seem to be doing fine. HalleluYah!

Before that day was over, I started having signs of impending miscarriage. And, this morning, I awoke with really no doubt that a miscarriage is in progress. I think it's a tiny bit easier, since I more than halfway expected it from the beginning. But it's still heartbreaking.

I was at the place where I was perfectly content not having another baby. I have 7 children and I am 45 years old. I wasn't yearning for another baby as I have in the past. And, I know more people who have miscarried at 45 than who have carried to term at 45, so I had no desire to join that statistic.

But, I was pleasantly surprised when I got two pink lines on the pregnancy test. A little life growing inside me is a miracle that never grows old. And, as the weeks went by, I got more and more excited. I can't help but get excited at the prospect of a sweet new baby head to smell.

And yet, today, here I am resting in bed, waiting. I hate the waiting. The uncertainty of how this is actually going to play out. Even though this is my 3rd miscarriage, they still have a feeling of uncertainty about them.

I'm familiar with full term birth. I've delivered 7 of my own at home and been privileged to be present at several births besides my own. I know the stages. I know the end result. But with miscarriage, there are no stages. You're not quite sure when the baby will come or if you'll even know when it came. It's all too uncertain.

I'm not quite sure why God decided to bless us with another life for such a short time. I am thankful that He did But I am sad that I won't get to hold this little one in my arms and sniff its little head.